Yet I feel like I am beginning to understand this. Right now, my English class is, ehh, okay. Not great. Definitely not as good as last year. At first I really didn't like it, but I am finding some ways to make myself enjoy it. And it's working pretty well.
But today I was trying to improve English for my whole class. And... it didn't work. Me and two other students were teaching in front of the class and I was trying to make it interesting, but I couldn't figure out how to. And no one else seemed to think it was possible for English class to become fun.
So I keep thinking, maybe I should just quit. Stop even trying. Take the money and run. And I have this irrational fear that if I try to make the class better, it will just end up getting worse somehow. Yet I still want to make the class better. I still want that million dollars.
That's the issue: what do I do next? Stay with what I have, or try, even though I don't have any cooperation, to make things better. I'm not sure. And it always comes back to the fact that it was so much better last year. But this is not last year. Not everything has changed, but enough has that I can't think about how great it was then, because that will get me nowhere now.
It's time to start over. But what's the first step? I don't know.
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